


Who the Hell is Bucky?

by fondueyourself



Series: If We Don't Destroy Ourselves [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Incredibly slow build, M/M, Minor Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, PTSD, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Short Chapters, i swear this isn't a sad fic, it's briefly mentioned because the fics tie together, might get violent, probably angsty, there will be romance by the end I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 05:12:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 13,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4906795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fondueyourself/pseuds/fondueyourself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winter Soldier finds a notebook and keeps record of himself for future reference in case he is found. His new mission: Find Steve Rogers and ask for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 2

New mission: Find Steve Rogers and ~~kill him~~ ask him about James Buchanan Barnes. 

This journal acts as a fail safe for memories. Anything that happens which is worth noting or remembering for ~~the sake of the mission~~ any reason will be hand written here by ~~the Asset~~ ~~the Winter Soldier~~ me to ensure authenticity in the case of a reset. 

**The current mission precedes all past and future directives.**

Day 2 since mission ~~failure~~ abortion. 

I have acquired this notebook and pen from a child's backpack in the Smithsonian Museum lost and found. I have not eaten or slept in over 36 hours, and fatigue is setting in. I saw on a TV that Steve Rogers will soon leave Washington DC for New York City to be closer to the Avengers. The Avengers are unfamiliar. Without access to Hydra's databases, I have resorted to using the public library for information. I will compile my findings on Rogers, Barnes, and the Avengers here. 

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes - born 1917, died 1944. Friends with Steve Rogers since childhood. Enlisted in the U.S. army in 1941. Captured with the 107th, tortured and given super soldier serum. Rescued by Rogers, who had become Captain America. Joined the Special forces team Howling Commandos. Fell from a train over mountainside during a mission. Never searched for, presumed dead and given a funeral with full military honors. 

Captured by Hydra and wiped of all memories. Left arm amputated and replaced with bionic prosthesis. Entered the Winter Soldier program and trained to become The Winter Soldier. Served as Hydra's Asset when needed. Ended mission to kill Steve Rogers without completion. Remembered Steve.

 **I ~~was~~ am James Buchanan Barnes. Steve Rogers is my friend.**

I remember Steve before the war. He was small, and he was sick. He always got into trouble and ~~Barnes~~ ~~Bucky~~ I helped get him out. I remember it, but it's not me. The library is closing, but I've got what I need. I need to evade my handlers. I will sleep in a shelter tonight. They won't expect it from the Winter Soldier. Tomorrow I will track Rogers.

Remember "I'm with you til the end of the line." I think it's important.


	2. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans for leaving, new memories, strange dreams.

Day 3

The shelter had limited food rations and the people were unexpectedly social. I blended by my stolen clothes, and no one looked twice at my single glove, but they expected me to talk. I managed by telling them I was running away from people who hurt me. They didn't ask questions. A woman told me about an asylum for abuse victims. They would have food and beds, a week free with promised safety, but I'm leaving the city soon.

I went back to Rogers' apartment, but through the window I saw his belongings were gone. He already moved out. I remember a man with wings. Maybe Rogers is with him. I need money for the bus.

Day 3 - Later

A man was preoccupied by two screaming children. His unattended wallet is now $58 poorer. I got the bus ticket first, then jeans and two long sleeve shirts at a thrift store, and four pairs of underwear from a different store. There's $4 left, and I need food. The bus leaves at 10 am tomorrow. I can stay at the shelter again tonight, and get two free meals. I'll save the $4 for food in New York.

I remembered something new today when I bought the clothes. Bucky and Steve shopped at thrift stores. There was a woman there too. She looked like Steve; maybe his mother. Why didn't I get memories before the last mission? Maybe I did. The handlers put me in the chair again. Maybe I've always known Steve, but they kept erasing him. Why is he so important? Everything is about him. I think Barnes was like his handler. Probably kinder.

Day 4, 2 am

Woke up crying. Weird. The dream was in a war. I watched Barnes, in WWII uniform kill the handlers, Pierce, and some of the scientists from the chair. Rogers was there afterward and Barnes transformed into the Winter Soldier, into me, only I was watching him from the outside. The Soldier was going to kill Steve too, but Steve talked him down. He told him that they were like family. That he knew the Soldier wouldn't kill him because they always stuck together. That Steve would do anything to make him remember. He called the Soldier Bucky. Bucky Bucky Bucky. The Soldier hugged him. Then another handler came in and put him in the chair. Steve screamed for it to stop and tried to fight him, but the man didn't even notice him. I couldn't do anything. I was just watching. The Soldier screamed, and I woke up.

I don't want to sleep again


	3. Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barnes on the bus.

Day 4

Breakfast was disappointing, which is somehow familiar. When I said that while eating the lumpy oatmeal, one of the men asked me if I had deja vu. I wanted to tell him that actual familiarity is nearly impossible for me. Instead I just nodded my head.

The woman who told me about the abuse shelter said that she was sad to see me go- that she would miss my "cute shaggy mop." I cut my hair with my knife after breakfast. I'm not sure if she saw. I'm less likely to be recognized now anyway. Hydra was in the news this morning, or rather, shield was. The news anchors argued about Shield's possible terrorist alliance. I wonder if the story would have been different if I didn't pull Rogers from the water.

The bus isn't very fast. I wonder if Rogers will be there before me. He likely got a plane. I'm not sure how to approach him. This isn't the first mission I've had without detailed orders, but this is the first mission I've had that didn't end with the target dead. Given his actions towards me before, he won't try to fight. I don't want him to think that I'm the same person he knew though. I'll focus on finding him first.

Later

A woman got on the bus and sat down across from me. She asked me who I was because I looked familiar. I told her my name is Jim, and that she's probably mistaken. She has brown skin, is in her mid thirties, is obviously pregnant, and probably not Hydra. She continued to talk to me, just chatter, nothing special, except that her ex husband worked for "that military group that's been in the news. The one with the aliens. I'm probably better off without him anyway because they're apparently terrorists." What would she say if she knew I was with them? Was. I am James Buchanan Barnes. I am not Hydra's Asset.

Anymore.

The woman finally shut up when I pulled out the notebook. She reminds me of Steve. He would talk for hours about anything when he was nervous. I remembered one of the Commandos. Dum Dum. He was the only one besides Bucky who wou

I think something is happening to me. The bus is stopped right now, but for the last twenty minutes or so I was- I think I was dreaming. I was on a plane with Rogers and the Commandos. We were strapping into parachutes, and then we were falling. As soon as we landed we were being shot at. Captain America told us not to engage. We had to find cover. It was dark, and no one could see where we were going, but we managed to get inside a building. I checked that my rifle was loaded as we snuck deeper in. We took out three men, Hydra soldiers, before we were found again. None of us were shot, but it was close. I stayed close to Rogers, and he covered me while I took a long range shot at a Hydra who was covering a control room.

I snapped out of it when the bus stopped. My breathing is irregular, pulse elevated, and I'm shaking. Was that a memory? It felt real. Other memories kind of just came up without notice. This was different. Violent. I feel violent. I wish I had my weapons. When I left everything, the only thing I kept was the knife in my boot.

New York

I don't know where to start. Everything is huge. Rogers is with the Avengers. How hard can it be to find a skyscraper with a giant A on top?

How hard can it be to find an amnesiac with a metal arm?


	4. Day 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting a foothold and tracking Rogers.

Day 8

I woke up in an alley today. Don’t remember how I got there. Didn’t write it down. Walked around the city, generally headed north (towards the tower) until I saw a restaurant advertising cheap breakfast.

The Avengers were mentioned on the TV -the reconstruction of the Tower officially finished yesterday. This following the alien terrorist attack in 2012, is a great reminder of the destruction that the Avengers ultimately saved New York City from. Captain America is returning from Washington DC today, fresh from battle with the “terrorists at Shield,” but won’t be staying at the new Avengers Tower. Their sources say he got a small apartment in Brooklyn. Possibly to “relive old memories.”

I guess I should go east to Brooklyn then.

Relive old memories. We lived in Brooklyn before the war. It was cold, and there was never enough to eat. Steve was scrawny. We slept on the floor together. The sun would shine through the window in the afternoons when Bucky would come home from work, and Steve would glow in the light. Bucky thought he was beautiful. Huh. I remember it, but the feeling isn’t there like with other memories. There was a funeral -somebody named Sarah- Steve’s mom. 

I’m with you til the end of the line, pal. ~~He~~ I said that. Steve didn’t want to live with ~~m-~~ Bucky. ~~He~~ I said that to comfort Steve, and to make him give in. I remember living with him after that. He drew a lot. He drew in the army too. He once drew th

**

I don’t know where I am or how I got here. I think I just vomited on the ground. I’m sitting on a sidewalk, and there’s a parked car in the street in front of me. My current mental and physical state are not unlike when waking up from nightmares.

I asked a man how to get to Brooklyn. He told me that this is Brooklyn. I looked around, and he’s right, but I don’t remember crossing the bridge. I sat down and a woman passing by stopped and gave me ten dollars. She said that she had tough times before, and that she knew I could use it more than her. She directed me to a place I could shower. I guess I still look homeless. I showered and changed clothes. From a vending machine I got a razor and a toothbrush, so I could clean up. I have six dollars left. 

Without Hydra’s gear, I have to track Rogers manually. The method is much harder in a city than in wilderness, but I managed to determine what street he lives on through the info from the Smithsonian, the records I found online in DC, and what little memory of him that I have. Rogers is sentimental. He lives on the same street he grew up on.

**

He came in on a [motorcycle](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/35/2c/3c/352c3c535e9e7d404c89c896762d039a.jpg). I think he had one in the war too. His bike in New York is not as styled or as armored as the one he had in DC. I hid out and saw his building and the apartment number he keyed into. I won’t be able to access it from the window.

I am apprehensive.

My earlier panic attack -as I have now realized that’s what it was- was brought on by memories of living with Rogers before and during the war. The new memory is of the Commandos. Rogers nearly had his head blown off while drawing Morita one night. ~~Buc~~ I was pissed at him later for not taking cover when he saw it. We knew the enemy was there, but we couldn’t let on, so Dum Dum “went to piss” and ambushed their ambush. A grenade flew into camp and everyone scattered. Everyone was relatively fine, but Steve’s sketchbook didn’t make it out of the fire fight. I think I bought him a new one a few days later. I remember his idiot grin. 

When I remember, I see it as me, but it’s detached. It’s Bucky. How do I stop this? How do I stop feeling like two people? I am the Winter Soldier. I am James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky Barnes is me. I have to remind myself who I am. I am a soldier. Barnes. I can be Barnes. Sergeant Barnes.


	5. Day 10/11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected.

Day 10

I have avoided being noticed since coming to New York five days ago. Steve Rogers runs every morning, the same route of about 12 miles, at 0700. I considered following him, but it's too risky. I need to approach with caution. He needs to know that I won't fight him anymore, but that I'm not who he thought I was.

"Hey, remember when I tried to kill you last week? Well I sort of almost remember who you are and why I shouldn't do that. Let me in and remind me who I am, please."

Yeah, I'm sure that would go over swell.

Huh. I wonder if Bucky was sarcastic, too.

I could ask Steve.

At this point my reluctance to contact him is counterproductive to the mission. It's actually the opposite. I think this is fear. I'm afraid that Rogers will turn me away.

Day 11

I will do it today.

~~“Who the hell is Bucky?”~~

~~“Do you know who I am?”~~

~~“I kind of remember you, but I don’t remember m~~

~~“Hey, pal~~

~~“Hi. I don’t remember everything, but I want help.”~~

~~“Hey. I left Hydra for you.”~~

~~“Hey, I know you, but you don’t know me.”~~

~~“Hi. You’re Steve Rogers and I’m Bu~~

~~“We need to talk.”~~

~~“Hello Steve. I’m not Bucky anymore, but I’m not Hydra’s Asset either. Can you help me figure ou~~

~~“I’m sorry I tried to kill you.”~~

“Hi. You’re Steven Grant Rogers. I’m James Buchanan Barnes. I’m also the Winter Soldier though, and my memories between those things are not even close to complete. I know we used to be friends, so I hope you’ll forgive me for trying to kill you while under Hydra’s influence. I’m sorry. I want your help.”

Damn, that better be good enough.

**

I don’t know where I am. Rogers found me. I think this might be a bedroom in his apartment. The door is not locked. 

He spotted me outside his apartment, and when I stood up, he knocked me out with one hit. That one hurt my pride. I haven’t eaten or slept in over 24 hours, so I’m gonna blame that on fatigue. He probably also used some kind of weapon, but I didn’t see it. All my stuff is here -backpack, clothes, notebook (obviously), toothbrush, razor, $4.38 (stolen)- the only thing missing is my knife from my boot. Understandable.

I woke up in the bed here about 5 minutes ago. Self assessment complete. Time to make contact.

**

That didn’t go as planned. Steve Rogers is as soft as a teddy bear. He let me explain what I remember, and then he asked if he could hug me. I said no, obviously. He granted me permission to live here in his spare bedroom. I was not prepared for this level of kindness.

There’s still a part of me that wants to end the previous mission.

The current mission precedes all past and future directives.

The current mission is complete.

New mission: _____________

Steve suggested that I continue writing. He said it would be therapeutic. He promised not to invade my privacy. (I have privacy?) Said he hopes I’ll come to him with anything important.

I don’t get it. He trusts me. I almost killed him, and now he trusts me. He said I wouldn’t have come like this if I was going to hurt him. Said he only knocked me out so I wouldn’t run or struggle. If I want to leave now, he won’t stop me. I won’t hurt him. He’s not my mission anymore. I think I might be his mission. He trusts me. Bucky must have been one hell of a friend.

I showered and Steve washed my clothes. It feels good to be clean. Good. I almost didn’t remember what good felt like. I should sleep. The bed is too much. The floor is carpeted. 


	6. Day 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets used to Steve, and Nat comes over for a therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait on this one. My computer quit on me and I've been writing this on my phone. I did get a beta reader, [efficaceous](http://archiveofourown.org/users/efficaceous) though, so this and previous chapters have been edited for grammar and inconsistencies.

Day 13

Steve insists on calling me Bucky. It’s disconcerting, having an actual name. I wish he’d call me soldier, or even Barnes, but when I approached him with that, he said that he wasn’t going to be like a handler. He’s my friend, and he will use my name.

He showed me some pictures this morning. Some are stills from old army videos, like the ones in the museum. Others are more personal. One, of Steve and Bucky in a camp tent, with Steve ruffling Bucky’s hair, and them both laughing, I can almost remember. ~~They~~ We were happy. I made a comment about how Captain America could afford ridiculous photos, and we laughed. I don't remember the last time I laughed. Maybe that was it.

I told Steve that I haven't laughed since that picture. He said "Do you wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy."

I don't think Steve is very good at jokes.

Steve said his friend Nat is coming over, and that if I'm okay with it, she would help me with therapy. I don't know what kind of therapy could help a guy like me, but it's worth a shot. Not having a mission, not having orders, I don't know what to do. Steve let me use some of his workout gear, and I ran with him this morning. It helped a little, but my head feels like it's full of bees. 

My reflexes are off too. Steve's neighbor has a dog, and when it started barking I ducked for cover. I keep waiting for someone to find me, wipe my memory, and punish me for leaving. They would make me kill Steve. 

Steve is nice. He makes breakfast, gives me everything, helps me remember things. He showed me how to wash dishes. He gave me a lotion for my scars. 

I don't deserve him. I don't want to kill him. I really don't want to. I think he actually is my friend. How can I make it up to him? 

Day 13, Later

Natasha Romanoff. Natalia Romanova. The Black Widow. I remember her. I shot her when she got in the way of a mission. I thought she died, but she was there with Steve when I attacked him. 

She asked me about Hydra and how I found Steve. I told her what the handlers did, how they wiped my memory, and how I barely remember anything from before falling off the train. She asked my birthday, I don't know it. My parents names, I don't know. Where I lived -in Brooklyn with Steve. If I had any other friends, I don't know. If I like peanut butter, I don't know. Do I have nightmares, yes. Do I have flashbacks, yes. Do I have anxiety? Constantly. 

She told me that I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She said it's common among soldiers, spies, assassins, and anyone who's been through emotional or physical trauma. Steve has it too. So does Natasha, and all of the Avengers. I asked what I could do about it. She said "Survive." 

We went through everything I remember, and everything I've been told about Bucky. Natasha said that I can refer to Bucky and me (Barnes, Soldier, Sergeant) differently if it helps, but that as I recover more memories, I might feel differently about it. Identity is weird. It can change over time, or abruptly, and sometimes without even realizing it. 

I guess I have a lot to think about. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Day 13, Mid afternoon

Steve and Natasha went to hang out with the Avengers. It feels weird being here without Steve, but I'm glad I didn't go with him. 

Natasha is not how I thought she would be. She was an assassin too, but she seems more like Steve than like me. She seems normal. I wanted to ask if I could see her scar, to know that it was really her, but I decided against it.

I hope she doesn't think I'm going to go back to Hydra. Even if they do come for me, I can fight back now. I want to fight back.


	7. Day 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting along with Steve

Day 14

Ever since I told Steve that I haven't laughed since '44, he keeps trying to make jokes. He's not funny, but it's still enjoyable.

This one finally got me to laugh: "Never hit a guy with glasses, hit him with your fist."

It's kind of a novel feeling. Once I started I couldn't stop. Most of his jokes still aren't all that funny, but I can at least laugh at him now. He laughs at his own jokes, too. I like his laugh. He curls his whole body into it.

Steve showed me his drawings this morning. It was a little strange. Most of them were of Bucky. Some were the other Avengers, and a woman named Peggy that Steve had the hots for back in the 40s. Some pictures he wouldn't let me see. He was embarrassed about all of the ones of Bucky, but he turned red and wouldn't answer when I asked why he wouldn't show me the others. 

He told me that I used to draw too, and asked if I wanted to try it. I drew myself, and it must not have been very good because Steve laughed. He told me it was good considering I hadn't drawn anything in 70 years. I've drawn maps and mission plans, but they're not the same as people.

Steve drew me while I was writing earlier today. It reminded me of something. Steve was sick, and he was holed up in the house, covered in blankets when ~~Bucky~~ I got home from work, and I got really worried about him until he saw a stack of drawings on the floor. They were all of Bucky. And some had color and were really pretty, but some were sort of strange. Like Bucky and Steve sleeping cuddled together, and one of Bucky staring out a window, but it's mostly just his back. I remember feeling kind of nervous about it, but to Steve, Bucky just got mad. 

I don't know why that would make ~~me~~ Bucky mad. Maybe I'm not remembering the whole thing.

Day 14 Later

When I was feeling anxious, Steve gave me a book to read. Steve says it was one of the only fiction books that Bucky really liked because it's about another world. It's enthralling, and I've spent most of the day reading it. The Hobbit, it's called. It was published in 1937, when I was 19.

I wish I could remember that. I wish I could remember anything. I wish my past felt real. All these memories have real feelings in them, but to me it's like a dream. I don't want to wake up, though. I want it to be real. I want it to be me.


	8. Day 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk about the Avengers. Grocery shopping is stressful.

I slept in this morning after reading late last night. Steve said he went running with Sam, the guy with wings. I think I broke the coffee maker when I tried to make a pot, but Steve hasn't noticed yet.

Steve wanted to talk about the Avengers when he got back. He asked me what I knew about them. I told him what I'd read at the DC library, and he told me about them individually.

Natasha: Sharp wit, very smart, technologically adept but keeps quiet about it, tactful and diplomatic, kind, but sarcastic about feelings, somewhat competitive, playful, mission driven

Clint Barton, Hawkeye: sarcastic, defensive humor, generous, incredible archer, modest, clumsy outside of combat, morally driven

Thor, God of Thunder: spirited, gentle, friendly, competitive, alien, good with kids, battle driven

Tony Stark, Ironman: cocky, snarky, does the right thing, playful, inventive, genius, very good with technology and engineering, cause driven

Sam Wilson, Falcon: optimistic, funny, helpful, creative, kind, friendly, war veteran somewhat competitive, team driven

Bruce Banner, Hulk: reserved, dry humor, caring, wary, logical, brilliant scientist, cautious, progress driven, but the Hulk is powerful, dangerous, fearless, aggressive

Steve said that if I wanted, and if I worked hard, I could be an Avenger someday. I asked if they were like the Howling Commandos.

The Howling Commandos was an army special forces team, he said. Since Avengers aren't army, it's a bit different. The dynamic of the team, both on and off missions, is similar though.

He asked me if I remembered something that happened right after the team was formed. He told me about us all sitting in a bar, and he asked me if I was ready to follow Captain America into the war. I don’t remember. Steve told me that I answered “Hell no! The little guy from Brooklyn that was too dumb not to run away from a fight, I’m following him.”

He said that even when Bucky was a soldier, he was always Steve’s friend first. There was nothing more important than for them to stick together. Steve is sentimental, he wants his friend back, but I can see why. Bucky was all he had, even when they had a team of soldiers behind them, they were closer than any of them.

Day 15 Later

Steve keeps complaining that I’ve eaten all of his food. I’ve eaten no more than he has, actually less, but he insists that I go with him to the grocery store. It’s kind of freaking me out. No one but Sam and the Avengers know that I’m here, and I’d like to keep it that way. Even when Steve goes out, he’s casually disguised, so he said it’s not a problem for me to wear a hoodie, gloves, hat, whatever I want. I shaved my face and pulled what’s left of my hair up underneath a beanie. That, along with a bright green T-shirt under a grey zipper hoodie, ripped jeans, and sneakers made me barely recognize myself.

When we got to the store I was still anxious though. I had no idea what to buy. Steve wanted me to pick out my own food, but I don’t even know what I like. I remembered Natasha’s question and got some peanut butter, but other than that I had to go with what Steve likes. There were so many options. Whenever I was able or allowed to eat before, I took whatever was given to me. I never got to think about whether I liked the food or not. I know I like coffee, pancakes, eggs, rice, chicken salad, and cheeseburgers. I don’t like shrimp, but I liked the frozen fish fillets that Steve had. I don’t like cold mushrooms. But that still left more than half the store that I didn’t know about. Steve bought some beef and a jar of sauce and said he’d make spaghetti. I’m not sure I even remember what that tastes like. The whole experience of shopping was unsettling.

Before we checked out, Steve told me that one thing Bucky had always loved was his mom’s chicken soup. Neither of us can cook very well, so I just bought a few cans of it. The woman at the register obviously recognized Steve, but she didn’t say anything. She stared at me for a bit, and I totally panicked. Decades of training made me hold it back, but the second we were out of the store I staggered and leaned on Steve just trying to breathe. We both knew I was overreacting, but Steve was nice about it. He wanted to get a cab so we wouldn’t have to walk back, but I thought the cabbie might recognize us too. I had my hood up the walk back, and practically passed out when we got here.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Hydra and the chair and the cold. For a while I felt nothing but cold, and I thought that the whole thing, failing the mission, finding Steve, living here was a dream, and that I was waking up from the freezer. It took a long time, and a lot of coaxing from Steve to shake that feeling. It’s been a few hours though, and I think I know what Natasha meant about PTSD and panic. I can rationalize it now, but at the time I was entirely freaked about Hydra finding me.

The weirdest part is that I wanted to leave. Obviously Steve’s place is the safest place for me to hide because he and the Avengers could help me if Hydra found me, but in that moment I wanted to leave, not for my safety, but for Steve’s. I’m still not sure why I didn’t run. Steve probably would have tried to stop me at first, but he’d said he would let me go if I really wanted to. I like it here though. I’m comfortable here, and I like Steve, and being with him makes me feel like I might actually be ~~a person~~ Bucky.

Steve’s going to bed. He asked me again if he could hug me. I said yes. He’s warmer and softer than he looks. It feels good to have a friend.

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=257irkm)


	9. Day 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haircut = Panic

I need a haircut. Steve says I could go to a barber, but I don’t want to risk it. The Commandos used to cut each other’s hair, so Steve can cut it for me. 

I didn’t want it to look like Bucky’s hair. Steve knew that. I told him to just even it out, and leave it as [long as possible.](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/e3/bd/10/e3bd10008dc508148bd5c33f51ff153f.jpg) It’s an improvement from what I did with my knife, but it looks just like the old pictures of Bucky. Steve said that at least he’s the only one who would recognize me that way, but I recognize me. 

I got flashes of memory of my reflection. Bucky in front of the small mirror in Steve’s house -a skinny teenager; Bucky in a bathroom mirror in a funeral suit -a young man, scared for his friend; Sergeant Barnes in the rear-view mirror of a truck -a young soldier with sad eyes; Bucky now, in Steve’s apartment -dark eyes and wet hair, hunched over the bathroom counter, trying to catch his breath. 

Steve asked if I wanted to clip it shorter. I don’t. He offered me a hat. I took it but didn’t put it on. Bucky was me. Bucky became the Winter Soldier. But I am still Bucky. I have to be. I can’t pretend that I’m not; it doesn’t help anything. I locked myself in my room. There’s no mirror in here. 

Day 19 Later

Today has not been a good day. When I came out of my room, Steve was watching the news. The volume was low, but I still heard what they were talking about. It was a special broadcast about the collapse of Shield and “the truth” about the terrorist group Hydra. I turned it up and sat to watch with Steve, but I don’t think he wanted me to watch it. He kept looking at me instead of the TV. He was probably right that I shouldn’t have watched it, though because when the news anchor mentioned the officially missing Winter Soldier, I froze. My chest got all tight and I couldn’t breathe. Steve held my shoulder and said something, but I couldn’t hear him. He turned off the TV. 

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. Steve got me to focus on him, and I breathed with him. I hugged him, feeling desperate and clingy and embarrassed as I calmed down. 

Steve told me that we would work it out. That they wouldn’t find me, and they wouldn’t charge me with anything because I hadn’t been in control of myself. He also said that panic attacks are normal for people like us. We just sat together, holding on to each other for a long time. I don’t know why I got so clingy. I guess I was just scared.

I’ve been sleeping on the floor most nights since I got here. It’s not that it’s more comfortable, it just felt more familiar. I’m going to sleep in the bed tonight.


	10. Day 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More therapy with Nat

Natasha is coming over today to do therapy with me again. She’s not like, a professional therapist, but Steve says she wants to help however she can. And since I can’t really go to a real psychologist -and what the hell would they diagnose me with anyway?- I’ll gladly trust her with my sanity. 

She wanted to ask me questions about Steve, so we went in my room. The walls are thin though, so Nat ended up just kicking Steve out for an hour or so. I didn’t mean to, but I ended up talking about Steve a bit too much. She listened really well, but when I told her about his drawings and the recent hugging development and how we were getting along, I realized that maybe that stuff should have been private, therapy or not. I know hugging isn’t a big deal for other people, but it was for me, and then the comforting after my panic attacks was really nice and I guess kind of intimate, but really it shouldn’t be a big deal. 

Steve is just really nice. And he’s my best friend (because Nat is my friend now too). And the only thing that’s holding me together. And I don’t know how he and Bucky used to be, but even with all that, I think there’s something missing. Natasha smiled when I told her that, but she wouldn’t tell me if she knew anything. 

She asked me if I feel like I owe Steve anything. Don’t I? I think I owe him everything. Not that I’ll ever be able to pay him back, but he’s given me everything that I have, and more than I ever dared to want. She said that he doesn’t think I owe him. That he’s just being the best friend he can be. She says that I shouldn’t feel in debt to him because neither of us could prevent the situation, and this kind of help isn’t something that should be owed or earned or deserved. It’s just given.

I like Natasha. She’s helping me see what’s good and bad in myself. She helps to put together the pieces of me as Steve and I find them. I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole, but if I am, it’ll be thanks to her.

She asked about my haircut. I don’t like it. It scares me how I can know about my past and even look like it, without feeling like it’s me. The haircut reminds me of that. I asked Natasha if she thinks I’ll ever feel like Bucky. She told me that people have different identities in different situations, and that maybe I’ll remember Bucky and the Winter Soldier as identities I used to be, and I’ll be able to fit into a new identity soon. I don’t think the Winter Soldier was ever my identity. It was something I was forced into, while my actual identity was stuck. I hope I can get it unstuck.

Natasha asked me if I want to be called something other than Bucky. I don’t want to be called Winter Soldier. What was my first name? James. I could be James, at least to her. But I like Bucky, even if it doesn’t feel like me yet.


	11. Day 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's having nightmares again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: This one is pretty sad. You might want an animal (or a Bucky Bear?) handy for cuddles afterward.

Day 23, 3:27 AM

Dream: Smoke everywhere, Steve's apartment, walk to kitchen, smoke doesn't feel different than air- breathing normally. Steve is fighting, shield in hand, a woman in black with red hair- Natasha. She's hydra. I know she's hydra without being told. I want to fight, hurt her, kill her, but Steve has her covered, and I’m panicked anyway. Useless. Winter Soldier. Feels like cold and pain. Smoke turns deadly, feels like needles in my lungs. 

I charge the Black Widow. Slam her into the counter. She wrestles me, throws me to the ground. Pain, need air, can't stop, fight. I sweep her legs from the floor and pin her when she hits the ground. We lock eyes, and she flips, pinning me instead. For a moment I think she'll kill me. I'm weak, and she's skilled. Her skills are familiar, did I train her?

“James” she says, voice gentle and sweet. 

“Bucky, snap out of it!” Steve says above us.

I blink. “Hydra.” I spit at Natasha. Maybe Steve doesn't know. My voice is raw and painful from the smoke. It's a wonder I'm still breathing. 

Natasha loosens her hold on me, relaxing, and she pulls me up. She's sitting on my legs, but she hugs me. “You're safe, James. Hydra isn't here.”

I blink again. The smoke clears. My eyes sting and I breathe slowly. No pain. I push Natasha away, stand up, look around. She's right. Steve's shield is raised to me. 

I'm confused, but safe. It's dark outside the windows. A face in the dark. A man I know, a hydra. I brace to fight again.

I wake up.

Natasha as a hydra? That's what I'm afraid of; she knows almost everything. Hallucinating that she's a hydra, that's just more realistic. Too realistic for a dream. 

The man in the window, one of my handlers, he was brutal. Drowned me, hit me, burned me, shocked me, claimed it was training. Claimed he was teaching me to fight, but I wasn't allowed to fight back with him. The pain would only be worse if I fought back. 

He tried to rip my arm off once. It's cauterized, welded into my flesh. He had me chained, shackled, he was “mock torturing” me for information on hydra. Practice for the real thing, he said. They had to be sure I'd stay quiet, obedient, like a dog. 

He threatened to remove my flesh arm, said they'd match. I didn't care. He used an electric clamp to hold me, pulling at my bionic arm instead. I felt my muscles threatening to tear from the prosthesis. My shoulder dislocated. I gave up. I gave up information. He stopped, had someone fix my arm. I think he was punished for damaging it. I was given “shock therapy” as punishment for giving in. 

I don't want those memories. Give me more of Bucky. Give me more of Steve. 

Steve said he'd be there for me. I could ask him for a good memory. But he's sleeping. I wouldn't want to be woken up if I were him. 

I can't go back to sleep. I'll watch tv. No hydra in the living room. No hydra here.


	12. Day 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes over. It's tense.

Steve smiled through our entire run this morning.

Day 29, Later 10.15

Steve invited Sam over. Apparently Sam is good with war veterans. Apparently I’m considered a war veteran. Not that I remember it. 

Oh. I’ve been informed that Steve was referring to my ‘service’ with Hydra. I think Steve wants me to talk to Sam about killing people. Probably because yesterday when I mentioned how many people I’ve killed, and how Steve always tried to avoid killing, he tensed up and changed the subject. Steve’s great with memories, and even war stuff with the Commandos, but he doesn’t like to talk about the Winter Soldier. 

It makes sense, that he doesn’t want to think of Bucky that way, but if I’m Bucky, then I’m also just as much the Soldier. I’m supposed to talk to Sam about that though, since Steve can’t.

Later again, ~~13.27~~ 1:27 pm

I’m pretty sure Sam hates me. Well, he doesn’t trust me at least. To be fair, I did rip one of his wings off, and shot at him, and he has every reason to have a grudge against me. Plus I freaked out a little (only the hundredth time this week. Am I getting worse?) when he got here. I didn’t have a knife in my boot, and I panicked before I remembered what was going on. 

He and Steve are talking in the kitchen. I’m pretending I can’t hear them. Steve’s actually defending me…. and Sam called me Hydra’s lethal puppet. They treat me like a child. I’m stopping this.

Still later, 2:55 pm

Developments:  
Sam doesn’t hate me. His distrust is entirely understandable, but the more we talk -with Steve pushing us- I think he’s actually okay. Or he’s just polite.  
Steve is nervous for some reason. He’s jittery, won’t stop moving.  
Sam knows how to do therapy. With Natasha it’s just talking, but Sam is more like Steve. He makes me feel it. We talked about Hydra as an organization, and the politics around some of the people I killed for them. When I was doing it, I didn’t know what was going on beyond the mission. I wasn’t allowed to know.   
Eventually I didn’t care. But knowing what Hydra was doing, and the political war I was fighting in, it’s kind of unsettling. Sam said that soldiers sometimes feel that way when they come home. Like they knew when they were fighting that they had an impact, but when they got home nothing had really changed. I was fighting for Hydra, not just killing people, but doing their dirty work in wars and in politics. And I feel it now. I feel guilty.

Even later, 6:20 pm

I got a lot of new memories. Sam and Steve and I talked a lot about fighting for other people’s causes. Steve reminded me of being in the army, before ~~Bucky~~ I knew he was Captain America. I was a good sniper then too. I feel like that’s a good thing; I have skills that weren’t given to me by Hydra. That weren’t taken away by them either. 

I think Steve was nervous because Sam and I didn’t get along. Well I shook his hand when he left (I don’t remember ever doing that before), and I think we’re all aces now. Maybe not friends, but it’s okay. I think I might want to meet more of the Avengers.


	13. Day 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has an unexpected response to an unexpected realization. Then he meets the Avengers.

Steve asked me if I ever read back on what I write in my notebook. I do. I read at least the previous day almost every time I open it. It helps me feel more connected. I feel less like a puzzle now, even though I’m not all put together. I have some more memories of being a kid. I sometimes stole milk bottles from my neighbor. I don’t write all of them; I think my memory will stick now as long as - No. It will stick. I won’t let them do anything to me. I know who I am now and they won’t take that away from me again. I’m angry. I’m pissed off. They took my whole life from me. I’m getting it back in bits and pieces, but that doesn’t really fix it.

I don’t want to be broken. I want to be Bucky. I feel like Bucky. When I remember things it feels more like me now. And sometimes when Steve tells me something I used to do, even if I don’t remember it, it feels right. So I know that’s who I am, even if I can’t remember. I’m Bucky Barnes. I’m Sergeant Barnes. I’m James Buchanan Barnes. All of it. It’s me. It has to be. Hydra doesn’t get to decide who I am or what I should do. I decide that. I-

I broke my pen. Had to find a new one. I need to cool down.

Later

I ate breakfast and took a shower. Still sort of pissed, but trying not to think about it. I don’t know why that suddenly came up. I’ve been so afraid of being caught, I guess I forgot to be angry.

Steve suggested yesterday that we should see the Avengers. He wants me to meet them. They’re his friends, too, not just teammates. I know they won’t trust me. We’re going to the Tower in twenty minutes. 

Later, Common floor of Avengers’ Tower

I almost fell asleep on the back of Steve’s motorcycle on the way here. Well I met everyone. Stark is… not how I thought he’d be. Bruce Banner is quiet and kind. And I now see how they call Thor a god. I think I like Clint the most though. He’s funny and awkward, but he wasn’t pretending not to care about what I did. Everyone else smiled and bit their tongues. 

The whole tower is pretty amazing though. While Steve led up to the floor where everyone hung out, I remembered advertisements with pictures of what we thought the future would be like; Stark’s building is pretty close to those. I wouldn’t be surprised if Howard or Tony actually did make a working flying car. I’ll have to remember to ask later. 

It seems like, even if they don’t all live here, everyone has their own apartment here. Steve showed me his, and it’s actually a lot like his apartment in Brooklyn. More wood and comfy furniture than the sleek metal everywhere else in the building. The common floor is a nice mix of both. And the view of the city is awesome. Whether I can remember it or not, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. 

We ended up just hanging out. Steve reminded me how to play pool, and we played two-on-two with Natasha and Bruce. Natasha kept calling me James, and that felt pretty good, considering my minor freak-out this morning. We’re leaving soon. I’m sort of surprised how well everything’s gone today. They may not trust me, but I ~~think~~ hope they like me.


	14. Day 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky remembers joining the army. He remembers leaving Steve.

I dreamed a memory last night. I wasn’t sure it was a memory, but I asked Steve and he said it happened. I remember more than I told him, though. I told him I dreamed about leaving him for the army and the World’s Fair before I left. That’s where I had remembered Stark’s flying car from. They fit, like adding more puzzle pieces.

I didn’t tell Steve that I remember having dames at the fair with us, but I had felt bad because I couldn’t look away from Steve. I remember how awful I felt for leaving him, all awkward and small and alone. He felt like he could handle himself, and usually he could, but his version of handling himself was ending up bloody in a back alley for making a wise-ass comment. I remember how I felt when I was able to register and he wasn’t, however many times he tried. And I remember leaving. And I’d felt like I was leaving my life behind when I should have thought my life was ahead of me. 

Steve was my life. It was like leaving part of myself behind. But he was supposed to come with me. We had wanted to join together, and I left without him. How do you say you’re sorry for something you did 70 years ago?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is very short, even by this work's standard. There will be another chapter tomorrow.


	15. Day 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is left home while Steve goes to fight lizard-people with the Avengers.

Steve told me something new on our run. It was just a story from before the army, but it reminded me of how much I’m really missing, not just memories, but of myself. 

He told me about a [hurricane](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RA-3zULhCvM) that went through all of New England in 1938, and we couldn’t go anywhere for days, the flooding was so bad. He said that he and I helped our neighbors bail out their kitchen, and that after we could leave the apartment, I helped people just down the street whose roofs were crushed by trees. He said I was a good man, helping people like that. 

It must have been one hell of a storm, though. I wish I could remember it.

Later, 2:10 PM

Steve was called in by the Avengers a while ago. I’ve never been here alone for this long. It feels quieter, even though Steve doesn’t make that much noise. 

Ten minutes later

I turned on the news, and I’m watching the Avengers fight. This doesn’t feel real, but I know it is. Steve is on the TV, and he’s over in Manhattan fighting some weird lizard people. Looks like the Avengers are winning, but not by much. They cleared civilians pretty quickly. Natasha’s struggling. I hope they’re alright.

I’m thinking about what Steve said, about how I helped people after the hurricane. I think I’d like to fight with the Avengers. I want to be the good man that Steve remembers. I’ll have to train more. A month off-duty doesn’t do much for physique and reflexes. I should probably work on the whole PTSD thing, too. I’m definitely skilled enough to fight with them though, and it looks like they could use all the help they can get. Iron man, Tony, is doing the most damage, but Steve is- nope. I think Steve just chopped its head off with the shield. Something must have gone wrong. The lizard things are gone. The stupid helicopter view won’t show anything.   
They’re just flying around the empty streets. The news broadcaster said the Avengers’ quinjet just landed. I want to call Steve, but I probably shouldn’t. He’d let me know if something was wrong.

Later, 5:20 PM

Steve came back pissed off. He won’t tell me what happened, he just grumbled something about his shield, or maybe SHIELD, and got in the shower. 

I asked after he came out of the bathroom, and he said he doesn’t know what happened. They were supposed to get info on the creatures, but somebody, "Director Coulson", wouldn’t tell them because “he’s got a stick up his butt.” I told him about the news coverage, and he says he wished they didn’t film it. It was brutal, and they had to kill the beasts in hand-to-claw combat. I didn’t remind him that a lot of my kills were hand-to-hand. Maybe if we don’t talk about the Winter Soldier, we’ll both forget, and all we’ll have left is Bucky and me. Or just Bucky. I’m still not sure.


	16. Day 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a difficult morning, Bucky tells Steve about wanting to join the Avengers.

Rough morning. First I actually did break the coffee pot, then I skinned my knee on our run, and then I had a panic attack out of nowhere.

I remembered more from the war. Fighting, being shot at, shooting back. I remember all the nazis and hydras I killed. So much death. Maybe it’s not just Hydra; maybe it’s me. 

No. Steve said I was good. Nazis and Hydra were ruthless. That was in defense, not just for myself or my unit, but for the world. Hydra is still in my head, trying to twist things around. They are not me. I’m not a puppet.

Bedroom floor. Steve’s at my door. I’m okay, Steve. Please go away. 

Everything hurts. I thought I was getting better.

Later, Afternoon sometime

I accidentally called Steve cute. We were sitting on the couch, and I was leaning against Steve while I was reading, and I thought about how he used to lean on me, when he was small. I told him that, and I said he was short and cute. He laughed and pretended to take offense, like I thought he wasn’t cute now. I didn’t say anything. I hadn’t actually thought about him being cute before. That just kind of slipped out.

I brought up the Avengers again to change the subject. I told him what I was thinking about yesterday, and asked if he thought I could do it. He agreed that it would take training and hard work, but that I could probably do it. We’ll have to talk to the rest of the team about it. Steve says that Natasha would vouch for me, and probably Sam too. 

Maybe I should get to know them better first. They’re a team, so we’d have to be able to work and fight together. I reminded Steve that I’m not used to fighting in a team anymore. He said that’s what the training is for. We talked about fighting styles and the ways everyone cooperates for different types of enemies. That got me kind of excited about fighting again.

He asked if I wanted to move to the tower. I hadn’t considered that. I said I’d think about it. It would be strange, living with other people. Steve said we’d be in the apartment Tony set up for him, but if I wanted my own place, the tower has plenty of room. He said it sorta sad though. I couldn’t live without him anyway. I don’t know about the tower. It’s nice and fancy, but I like it here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I wrote at the end of IOOT Chapter 11, this work is getting priority so I can avoid giving you guys series-wide spoilers. That means this one will get faster updates and now has a deadline.  
> What could that big spoiler be? You'll have to wait until the last chapter of this fic to find out. *Gasp*


	17. Day 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To move or not to move?

I’ve been struggling with whether we should move to live with the Avengers. Steve says I don’t have to worry about it, but that I could make a pros/cons list.

Pros:  
Fancy apartment  
Training to be an Avenger  
Good training equipment  
Indoor running track  
Closer to Avengers  
Can see Natasha every day  
Won’t see neighbor’s dog anymore  
Stark’s games and movie collection  
Bruce will loan me books  
Jarvis  
Computers

Cons:  
Not as cozy as ~~Steve’s~~ our apartment  
Less privacy  
Harder to go running outside  
Won’t see neighbor’s dog anymore  
Stark and Natasha’s old people jokes  
Change is hard

I want to live there, but I don’t want to leave. The pros definitely outweigh the cons though. And training will be much easier there. 

How did I get so attached to this place? It’s only been a month. 

A month.

The longest I was ever out of the freezer was 13 days. I’ve been away from Hydra for 40 days. 

Shit.                   I’m on my own.                   I have no handler.             I have Steve.

Where would I be without Steve? I’m so glad I found him. I need to thank him.

We’re definitely moving. My stuff is packed in my backpack. I have more than I came here with, but it still all fits in the backpack. I put my knife in the front pocket. I don’t need it in my boot anymore. I have Steve. 

I have to help Steve pack boxes. He already called Stark. We’re going tomorrow. I'm excited!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just completely ignoring all of the current movie canon. The Civil War trailer broke my heart. Tbh, this is my healing process.


	18. Day 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to keep updating this every few days. I've got everything planned out now, so it's easier to write.

I’ve been living with Steve for 30 days. So much has changed since he took me in. We’re moving today. More changes. I taped the last box a minute ago. Stark sent an Escalade for us. I better help Steve haul everything out.

Later, 3PM

Finally settled in. Tony already had furniture for us, so it didn’t take too long to unpack the boxes with Tony, Nat, and Bruce helping. Getting here was tough though. There was press with cameras waiting outside our building as we filled the truck. Steve wisely told me to ignore them, even when they recognized me. I was nervous, but of all the questions they shouted at us, none of them were about the Winter Soldier. Stark said later that he’d handled everything. He used Jarvis’ video from when we were here before to show that I wasn’t dangerous, and somehow proved that I wasn’t in control with Hydra. I would be surprised that it was that easy if Tony didn’t have so much money. He could probably bribe a mountain to walk a mile if he wanted to.

I really like it here. We have a big open kitchen and living room and two bedrooms, each twice the size of the ones at our old place. We each got our own bathroom, and Steve’s shower is the size of our old bathroom. Mine isn’t as big, but I have three shower heads! Why would I need more than one?!

Bruce helped me stock my bookshelf, and even though I’m not done with The Hobbit yet, he showed me the sequels, The Lord of the Rings. They’re huge! Stark said I should just watch the movies. There are three new movies of The Hobbit, and one of them hasn’t even come out yet. We’re going to watch the first part tonight! I’m almost finished with the book, but the movies are each only a part of the story anyway.

I’ve enjoyed hanging out with everyone today, but now that we’re settled in, I kind of want some quiet. Stark is trying to convince Steve to put in some video game in the living room.He wants me to agree, but I really don’t care either way. There’s a ton of gadgets and games on the common floor. I can’t tell him to shut up and leave because he’s letting us live here. That’s going to get annoying.

Bucky's first selfie before leaving the old apartment


	19. Day 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky sees something he wants to forget and remembers something he thought was unforgettable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan on having this ready so soon, but I took a break from homework and here it is.

This has been a strange day. 

I was exploring again because this tower is freakin huge and never ending, and I was on the floor below ours wandering around, and I noticed an opening in the ceiling. Well I was already exploring, so I jumped and pulled myself up through the hole. It was an air vent, and it was pretty spacious, so I crawled around a while. It was kind of cold up there (duh, it’s an air vent), so I was about to head back to the hole when I heard something. At first I didn’t know what it was. It sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then it came back to me. The sound was like heavy breathing, groaning, skin-on-skin. Sex noises. How could I have forgotten what that was? What it was like? It was pretty echo-y in the vent, and I was kind of embarrassed by it, --I seriously forgot about it. I knew what an erection was and what sex was, but it was just a concept. I heard it and remembered EVERYTHING, though. It was overwhelming.-- but I was curious because there aren’t that many people living here. I continued in the vent toward the sound, and got to the grate over the room. 

It was Clint and that other agent or director or whatever, Coulson. 

Well I’d seen and heard enough, so I got outta there in a hurry. I guess I didn’t really want to know who it was after all.

It was awkward crawling out though, cause I sorta got hard from seeing and hearing it. In my defense, I couldn’t remember having ever seen or heard anything about sex until then. But here’s why I’m writing this: I don’t need or want to remember what I saw, but it triggered something. I remember sex, and I remember having sex, and I remember wanting sex . . . with Steve. 

I had the hots for Steve. I think I still do. Maybe. It’s weird. 

I remember back then nobody ever talked about relationships between two men or two women. I guess it happened, but everybody mostly agreed it was wrong. But I liked men. Women weren’t bad, and I dated them and had sex a few times, but I never really loved it. But I’m remembering it all now. I could smooth-talk a gal all night, but if I liked a guy, I’d get all flustered and couldn’t say anything beyond “Hi, howareya?” I couldn’t let on that I liked them though, so I had to keep going out with girls.

Well anyway, I got outta the vent and calmed myself down, and a while later I saw Clint heading up to the roof. I still felt pretty weird about accidentally watching him… do things...

So I followed him up there. I told him that I knew about him and Coulson, cause I don’t think anybody else knows. I didn’t mean to be weird, but I think it might have come off that way. I asked him about Coulson, and he rambled off all these nice things about how kind and sweet and good looking Coulson is, but I was still thinking about Steve. He asked about me and Steve and what I can remember. The thing is, I hadn’t thought about it much before, but all of my memories, even the sex ones, are attached to Steve. Maybe there’s something there. 

Maybe.


	20. Day 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's first mission does not go as planned.

I’m an Avenger! Sort of. 

I’ve been training with everyone over the past week, and yesterday there was an important mission against Hydra. Stark didn’t think I was ready, but they needed everyone who could help. 

I ended up taking out Morgan Clark, the Hydra Agent who built the Chair. When they mentioned him as the cause of our mission, I remembered the name, and then the memory of what he did slowly came back to me. 

In the late 1980s, the machine they had been using to keep my memories from returning started to break down, and I remembered who I was. I can’t remember now how it happened or what they did to me. They brought in a young man, not very high in rank, but skilled and sadistic enough to build a new chair that could take specific memories, while leaving others, and could be used for “shock therapy” and punishment. The last two were his idea. He came back regularly for maintenance and upgrades, and I remembered him. 

While everyone was distracted in the Hydra bunker, I snuck up behind him. I surprised him and stabbed him. He died slowly and painfully as he recognized me. 

I know with all the emotional progress I’ve made, I should probably feel guilt or remorse for killing him, but I don’t. I’m glad he’s dead.

Even so, I don’t want to feel that again. I’m not going to kill anymore.

There is a twisted satisfaction in Clark being partly responsible for making me into a monster, and then him being my final kill. That’s not why I want to stop, though. 

I don’t want to be a killer. That’s what Hydra wanted.

After the mission, Steve talked to me about it. A lot of the Avengers are worried about me. Scared of me. They think that even if I’ve switched sides, I’m still a brainwashed killer. I’m not. I don’t want that. Steve said I’ll have to be careful to earn their trust. I said that it was good for me, though. Sam would call it closure.

I told Steve I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be what Hydra wanted. I don’t want to belong to them. He said I don’t belong to anyone but me. I thought I belonged to Steve. He said, and I want to remember this, 

**“I don’t own you, Bucky. I care about you. There’s a huge difference.”**

The difference is that I can make my own decisions, and I don’t have to do what Steve, or anyone else says if I don’t want to. He cares about me, but I don’t have to care about him. I do though. I care about Steve more than anything.

After we talked, it was pretty late. It was about two in the morning by the time everyone was debriefed and cleared from medical, but Tony declared that we had to celebrate. We had pizza, and it was pretty fun. Clint and Phil announced their relationship, and Tony made a fuss about it. I wanted to say something to Clint, but so did everyone else, so I stayed with Steve. I’m happy for them. I remember when we talked on the roof, Clint compared the way I talked about Steve to Phil and him. I wish I could have that with Steve.


	21. Day 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally comes to terms with it... sort of.

I’ve been kind of jumping around this. I can’t stop thinking about it though. All week, every time he smiles, I smile back. I can’t help it. He makes me happy. We watched another Disney movie last night. He loves those. This time it was Peter Pan, and Sam watched with us because he hadn’t seen it since he was a kid. Through the whole movie I watched Steve more than the TV screen. 

For weeks it’s been there in my head, but it’s strange to think of it. I’ve technically known Steve almost my whole life. He’s been my best friend since we were little kids. And I remember now, I used to say he was like my brother because we were so close. But there was more to it than that. I can see Steve all rumpled from waking up, just making coffee in the morning, and I get this feeling like I don’t ever want to see anything else. He can laugh at a stupid kids’ joke in Peter Pan, and he’ll light up the whole room. A few days ago we were just talking about different kinds of music, and he said he’s enjoyed listening to Simon and Garfunkel, which Bruce showed him. And I didn’t even know what he was talking about but I felt like every word was perfect. 

I know just about nothing about this stuff anymore, but I think I might be in love with Steve. And thinking back, from what I do remember from before, I think it was always like this. There’s this image that I remember, but I don’t remember what was happening or anything around the image, but it’s so vivid. Steve was laying in bed at his mom’s house when we were kids, and he had pants on and no shirt, and I was just looking at him from the foot of his bed, and he was looking right back at me and smiling. And that’s it. Just that image. But it’s the most beautiful thing I can think of. The sun was setting in his window, and he was all lit up, and his eyes were the deepest blue I’ve ever seen, and his mouth curled tight like he was trying not to laugh. And he still smiles like that sometimes. And he was perfect back then, even though he didn’t think so, but now… I can’t even write the things I think about him now. 

Maybe there’s something wrong with me. All my memories are coming back faster now, and most of them are still about Steve, but there are a few from when I was a kid and Steve wasn’t there, but even in those I was thinking about him at the time. Maybe being around Steve all the time now is making my memory weird. I don’t know how else to explain it. I can’t stop thinking about him. I must be insane. How do I tell Natasha that I’m going crazy without making her think I’m too crazy to be with the Avengers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I had to make Steve like Disney and Simon and Garfunkel. There are reasons >>. And no, Bucky couldn't just think he's in love. That wouldn't make sense, right? He must be crazy, right?


	22. Day 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A list of good things and a bit of fun.

Well I talked with Natasha this morning. I didn’t tell her about Steve. I thought about it, but it’s sort of embarrassing. I guess I have a secret now. I told her about the memory progress though, and how all my memories include Steve. She said I probably shouldn’t worry about it, that I spent most of my life around him, so it makes sense. But I know how to spot a lie. I don’t think she’s being malicious, just that she doesn’t want me to stress, but what if there is something wrong with my memory? … She said not to worry. So I won’t. It’s probably nothing. It’s probably just that I’m crazy about Steve and I always have been. He’s just so-

Jeez, this isn’t going away is it?

Okay. Natasha suggested I make a list of all the good things that have happened in the past 51 days. (I didn’t even have to tell her what day it is. She’s a good friend.)

1\. I started to remember Steve, and was able to get away from Hydra.  
2\. I (probably) saved Steve from drowning in the Potomac.  
3\. I found a notebook and started writing.  
4\. I found Steve.  
5\. I keep remembering new things every day.  
6\. Steve is the nicest, gentlest, ~~most beautiful~~ most helpful, and ~~fucking sexy~~ the best  friend I have ever had.  
7\. I met Natasha. (I’m so sorry ~~I~~ the Winter Soldier ever harmed her.)  
8\. I have friends.  
9\. Steve’s drawings.  
10\. Stark’s movie collection.  
11\. I learned to laugh.  
12\. I’m training to be an Avenger so I can make up for all the awful shit Hydra made me do.  
13\. I know who I am.  
14\. I feel real.

So I’ve made a lot of progress. She said she’s proud of me. She suggested to Steve that we do something fun, get out for a while. Sam said go karting. Steve and I had never heard of it. Go karts are like mini cars for racing. It sounds like fun. Sam said we’d have to drive a bit for it, but it will be worth it.

Later, 5:28pm

It was awesome. It’s Saturday, so the place was pretty crowded, but after the wait, we raced with six other people, all of whom were more excited to see Steve than to be go karting, and for the first few laps I was behind, but I figured it out and kicked Steve’s butt by the end. Natasha, unsurprisingly, beat all of us though. It was so fast! I know it was really only about 45 mph, but being in such a small car on an indoor track, it felt amazing. I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life without that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a short chapter, and after so many quick posts, a week of waiting for this? But I'm working on the rest of the series, so we'll hope it pays off. Besides, Bucky had a lot of fun here. They went to Pole Position Raceway if anyone was wondering.


	23. Day 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky needs a haircut again, but it's a very different experience from the last time.

Steve’s getting a haircut today, and he convinced me to come with him. My hair is getting kind of long. It’s starting to curl like before, too. I kind of like the curl/wave though, so I don't want it too much shorter.

The barber is a short Mexican man with a thick beard, Alberto. He knows who I am, but Steve reassured me that we’re safe with him. Most of New York City knows I’m living with the Avengers anyway, and I haven’t had any pursuers yet. Once the charges against me were dropped (thanks, Stark), we really don’t have to hide anymore. Now that we’re with the Avengers, even Hydra would have to think twice about coming after us. Not that we’re totally safe, but in the barber shop, I’m comfortable. 

I’m waiting for my turn while Alberto works on Steve. His hair has always been the same, even since we were kids. Maybe he could do with a change, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t look fantastic. Afternoon sunshine through the shop window, blond hair turned golden. I told him he looks like a million bucks, and now he’s blushing.

My turn.

I told Alberto how I wanted my hair, and I was kind of nervous because of how it turned out when Steve cut it, but I think it looks [ "really nice now." ](http://hairstyles.thehairstyler.com/hairstyle_views/front_view_images/4274/original/Sebastian-Stan-1.jpg) Steve whistled at me. I just laughed. I know he’s probably not flirting with me, but is it bad that I want to pretend he is?

Later, 8:48pm

I had decided to ask Steve about the whole flirting thing, but then Tony teased us when we got home, implying we look like a couple. Steve didn’t laugh, and he got kind of stiff for a few minutes after that. Maybe he was thinking the same thing I was: If only. Or maybe he was just put off by the idea. Either way, I couldn’t really bring it up after that. It was probably a bad idea to ask him about it anyway. I guess I kind of know that he doesn’t really feel that way. He’s only flirting as a joke. Talking about it would only end badly.


	24. Day 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds something that (sort of) proves what he didn't dare to hope.

STEVE HAS DIRTY DRAWINGS! HOLY SHIT! I wasn’t looking for them, I was just doing laundry and when I grabbed a sock from under Steve’s bed it was just there! There’s a whole book of them and MOST OF THEM ARE ME. STEVE DREW ME NAKED. 

Steve drew me naked. Steve drew me jerking off. Steve thinks about me getting off. He probably gets himself off looking at those. They are really hot. One of them, he drew himself, just the back of his head, sucking me off. I am so turned on right now. Forget laundry.

Later, 5:40pm

I couldn’t tell Steve that I found them. I don’t know how. I don’t want to assume. Just because he’s hot for me doesn't mean he wants anything. It could. I hope it does. But I don’t know if I’m ready for that. So he got back from his workout and I kept my mouth shut. I’ll tell him soon, though. I don’t want this to be a secret, not when he might-- I just have to figure it out first.

Day 55, 1:38am

Woke up hard. I dreamed that Steve had walked in on me looking at his drawings, and he kissed me and then we were naked and just like his drawing, he sucked me off. I woke up before I came and I could still feel his lips around me as I jacked off.

I’m trying not to think about how that could be real someday. It’s not just because he’s hot either. He’s kind and cute and funny. He’s Captain America, and that’s not just a title, he’s a great person. My best friend. I love him.

I hope he loves me too. I still can’t believe he drew that stuff.

[NSFW One of Steve's drawings (actually drawn by me)](http://oi66.tinypic.com/28s1qpi.jpg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't draw the blow job one. This is one of the tamer of Steve's "dirty drawings". If you're good you might get more. ;)


	25. Day 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets advice from Natasha.

No run this morning. I had a sparing match with Natasha instead. I’m still not sure who won that. By the end, she flipped me and I pinned her from the ground. We’re back at her place. She lives in the tower too, three floors above me and Steve. Natasha makes the best coffee, even better than Tony’s expensive stuff. She wants me to talk “therapy” now. I think I might tell her about Steve. Or ask her.

Later, 1:37 pm

Clint just beat me at billiards. Again. He calls it pool. I guess that’s what it is in this century; he said no one calls it billiards anymore. He’s been hanging out at the tower more and more. I think because it’s closer to Phil’s place than his building. He and Phil should just move here. It’s called Avengers’ Tower, we should all live here. 

Well, Natasha and I talked earlier. We went over my memories again, and she finally asked me if I was leaving anything out. I’ve been keeping the new ones with sex and having a crush on Steve and sharing a bunk with him in the army from her for weeks. Instead of answering, I asked her something else. I asked if she knew if Steve had ever dated anyone or been sweet on anybody but Peggy. She smiled like she knew, but she said she didn’t. She said Steve always gets flustered or changes the subject when they talk about it. She’s been trying to set him up with a girl for a while. I didn’t know what to say without being obvious, so I dropped it. She’s as well trained, if not better than I am in getting information out of people. She asked if I know anyone he likes.

I could have said no. I probably should have. I didn’t tell her what I found, only that I remembered liking him back in the 40s. She thinks I should go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out, he’ll appreciate it. I’m not sure. When we were growing up, nobody ever talked about gay people. They weren’t even called gay. They were homos or queers or pansies. It was a bad thing. Just because he drew those pictures doesn’t mean he wants to be queer. 

But I love him. Even as my friend. Natasha said she’d keep the secret, but I have to tell him soon.


	26. Day 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It finally happens.

Steve's making pancakes for everybody. Clint is here too, but Phil was busy. We’re all sitting around the kitchen having breakfast. I wonder if ~~my fami~~ Steve’s family was ever like this. I think it was just him and his mom after his dad died. My parents were dead. Steve’s was the only family I had. He still is. 

Bruce and Tony rushed to the workshop after breakfast, so Natasha and I did the dishes while Steve and Clint watched the news. I’m going to tell Steve today, and I told Nat when they were out of earshot. The problem was, when she asked how I would bring it up, I blanked. She gave me some advice about how dating hasn’t changed a whole lot since the 40s. She said I should come clean about how I feel and ask him on a date. I asked her what would happen if he said no. She said that we’ve been friends for almost a century, and that something like this wouldn’t stop that. 

Later, 3:38pm

We ran drills for different kinds of attacks today. Steve got all worked up at one of the training machines because Tony had programed it to taunt him. I thought it was pretty funny, but Steve’s kind of sore now. He just got out of the shower, and I swear he already knows that I like him because he’s strutting around the apartment in sweatpants and a shirt that’s clinging to his wet skin. He knows, and he’s teasing me in retaliation for laughing at him in training. I have to talk to him soon. 

Later, 5:10pm

~~-Hey Steve, I saw your secret drawings and I have to say, I love them. ~~~~~~

~~-I found your secret drawings. I don’t know if we used to do those things, but I’m definitely up for it now. ~~~~~~

~~-Hey Steve, you know I read online that homosexuals can get married now. Can you believe that? In the 40s you could be locked up just cause people thought you were queer. I guess that’s why I never told you. I guess that’s why you didn’t want me to see your stash of dirty drawings, then or now. ~~~~~~

~~-Were we ever a couple? I mean I know we would have kept it under wraps, and maybe that’s why I don’t remember exactly. But I know I had the hots for you, and going by your drawings, you did too. ~~~~~~

~~-Back in the 40s, did we ever date? Was I your boyfriend? It was illegal, I know, that’s why I had so many girls, but were we ever more than just friends? ~~~~~~

This is tough. Maybe I ought to just get it out. 

Here goes nothing.

Later, 9:37pm

YES!

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=2m4556w)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who've stuck with me through this project and to everyone who's read this. I love reading your encouraging comments and seeing the appreciation for this work. I had this idea floating around my head since Winter Soldier came out, and I'm so glad to have finally written it, and I really adore all the support it's gotten. Thank you for reading.  
> This story pics up from Steve's POV exactly where Bucky left it in the next work in this series, Bridge Over Troubled Water (now you see why Steve had to like Simon and Garfunkel lol). As I've said everywhere else, you don't have to read all the other fics in the series to understand each one, but Bridge Over Troubled Water is really built off of the events in Bucky's journal, so check it out.


End file.
